#23 | Everything Romantic Relationships and Fitness (Part 1)

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Why we started in the first place and that was to benefit and sort of better men's mental health and sort of. If I can sort of focus my area into fixing someone else, it means I don't have to fix myself.

Welcome back to the podcast. I'm Tom and I'm Joe, and this is Inside of Mind, season two, where we'll be discussing all about men's mental health under our three pillars which we think are the most important in terms of men's mental health and the ones which men struggle with the most, and that's relationships, finance, fitness that can be mental fitness and physical fitness, and we can't wait to get into season twoe. It's been a month and a half month and a half since I last said yeah, I know it's gone quite quick. A much needed rest, though. Yeah, what have you been up to recently?

uh, a lot changed me personally, I feel like, um, last week I officially stopped playing rugby, which has been a bit of a weird, weird time for me. Um, it's been good, though. I've been busy, quieter with work, busy with, obviously, preparing for this, which has been really exciting, and then, yeah, rugby's come to a grinding halt, which has been quite weird actually how's it felt?

I've had a similar, similar story. Yeah, it's been weird.

I've, I've enjoyed sort of thinking about staying involved with the club in some capacity, whether it be strength and conditioning and still training with them, which I think I'll need, just from a purely like mental point of view. I think I'll need to be around it in some capacity. Yeah, 100, I mean that's my entire social life is with the youth, you two or like the guys down the rubber club. It's quite sad, but um, but yeah, no, it's, it's been good, it's been weird. I think it'll be harder when I come to watching games because we're in pre-season now. I think it's easier when it comes to being sideline watching games. That's gonna be where it's good to miss yeah it's pretty it is.

You missed the pre-season, but it's horrible, it's horrendous, it's horrific fitness you're doing and like it's bags. It's really bad, but it gets you ready for it.

It does I have a ton of questions. It's been, it's been easy and I thought it would. Uh, it would have been easier to sort of step away from the game rather than the game being taken away from me, but I've done pretty well to get to 30 and uh, still enjoy it, but yeah, what was the injury as a whole?

uh, it's been really tough actually. For the last year I've had this basically about boring anyone. My spinal problems basically the vertebrae and my top of my neck have been sort of compromised basically from playing too much, um, which is quite unlucky because you either get it, you don't get it, and it's now a condition, not an injury. So it's basically gonna keep happening the more I play. So with my job, with this, I can't really afford to sort of miss too much time off, just being sort of hampered by it. So I've decided to sort of through the advice of the surgeons and the physios they've said time to call it a day.

So it's been tough actually, but I think I'll enjoy it when I'm not being not in so much pain the whole time which is what I've been sort sort of taken for granted, but I guess you've got a similar sort of similar sort of yeah, mine. Just I've had quite a few concussions now, for those who don't know in terms of rugby, that's from having a really bad tackling technique where I just lie into people yeah, um, so I'm just having a little break as well.

I took two concussions last season, four at uni, and I was just like you know. I'm just gonna chill for a bit, enjoy having a break, and it's quite nice your body not being sore all the time, um, but I do miss it as well.

It's the whole social side that we spoke about the whole of season one is like your whole life revolves around the sport and it might sound to sound a bit weird, some people being like, oh, your life is just this one sport, but but it is that's your social life. That's your sort of mental escape for your mental health. It's your physical fitness, it's your mental fitness as well. And when that goes, I was a bit like oh, like, what do I do exactly now? Getting getting used to it a bit more, playing non-contact sports like cricket again, and it's just, you've got really into the gym as well recently, haven't?

you? Yeah, I have. Can you guys tell I'm nowhere, nowhere near. But, um, yeah, trying to get into the gym more, more, just like I just like the mental, mental side of the gym, like just going in there as like a routine basis. Because when you have, like those of you who own your own company or aspiring to own your own company one day, as I do at the moment, you know your routine can be shot, as you know, with your stuff as well as like you can get calls at random times, you can work at midnight, you can work at 6 am, and I find it hard to have a bit of a routine around that.

So, like, having the gym early in the morning is kind of just. Although it's great for my physical health, it almost just keeps me in check and it gets my day going, and that's what I love about it.

It's interesting you mentioned it there. I think it reminds me of the Elliot Owen episode where he said replacing something with something else. So when he stopped playing rugby, he went into CrossFit.

And it's quite similar to your march on Jim and he's loving it and it's quite nice to see him replace the element of scoring tries and stealing ball and carrying, which is what he loved doing in rugby and now he's got into it. He now setting a pb and the some, you know, deadlift or something like that. It's just it's quite nice that you've managed to replace some element of rugby with, uh, obviously, the march on gym stuff which I know you love.

Yeah, march on sick really yeah, I've been doing it, for I was doing it while I was doing rugby anyway, and it's just like having a buzzing community of people is so helpful the community side of it. I think the biggest community, massive, we spoke about this a lot on season one too, but this season two being specifically about men's mental health is like, from a male standpoint, in my opinion, being part of a community, even if you might not show it all the time is like the backbone of everything you do and feeling involved in something it helps you thrive in all aspects.

Knowing that's there regardless of the situation, if you're feeling down, if you're feeling happy. Knowing that there's a community of people there that you can go and see every day, especially as a guy, is absolutely massive for myself personally, and I'm sure a lot of people listening to this as well.

It's just huge.

And the fitness side of it as well. You, hopefully if you've done well enough. You look good feel you feel good yeah and then mentally you feel great and then you're part of it.

It's a knock-on effect. That's like a win-win-win. It's a knock-on effect. You touched on it there. Should we mention starting season two and what that's going to bring?

you mentioned very briefly you take, you take it away, yeah.

So we're so excited yeah, I'd like to tell the people about it. So I think, um, for us it was season one, was like an experimental phase where we went to sort of down 100 different avenues to see what was the best fit for us, and I think we came back to the same thing every single time. We had a meeting a couple of weeks back and we spent about six hours in the in the room in an office talking about it and we had a thousand ideas up on the board saying what worked best and we came back to the same thing every single time and that was why we started in the first place and that was to benefit and sort of better men's mental health and the journey that we can do and the journey that we can share. So I think that's what we decided to go down and we sort of niche down in season two and go down the more men's mental health through talking about the three pillars, which obviously because there's been relationships, finances and fitness.

That could be mental fitness, it could be physical fitness and those are three of the biggest pillars, if you can say, or men struggling in today's day and age big time which is very personal to us and, as joe said, we sat there for six hours.

oh, mate, we planned this like meticulously and we were like we want this here. And then we sat there with like two pillars on the board and we were like, what's the third? Then we call chauvin, who's behind the camera, and he was like you know relationships and I was like, perfect, so that's one pillar each. We're going to have guests on who will talk about and specialize in specific areas. It doesn't always have to be all three every episode, but on this episode in particular, with it, joe and I being episode one, we think it's going to be great to just touch on our points of view on every single bit of it, and also a few Q&A questions as well, and we're going to attach something on the screen. So if you're listening, you might not be able to see this, but it's a little wheel spinner and it's gonna pick which order we put our topics in.

So we've got, as we said, relationships, finances, fitness and also a Q and A section which we have three of the best questions that you guys asked us on Instagram and if you do wanna do that and you're listening to us now and you haven't had the chance to ask questions before or always just ping it to our DM. There's always stuff on our Instagram story, too, so I'm gonna start us off with a little spin here. I'll put this on the screen for those of you who can't see. We're going, we're going. We need a nice sound effect behind this as well. We're starting on relationships. Poignant, oof, poignant. How's life been with you? We're gonna talk about romantic relationships in particular today. Also, people know you have friendships, family relationships too, but today's going to be about romantic relationships, yeah, so what's that been for you recently?

I mean it can be more poignant for myself. I think I've just come out of a relationship about two or three months ago and it's been difficult. It's been a real sort of seasonal change for me in many, many of my life, one of which is rugby, which I touched on earlier, and another one was being sort of single again and sort of trying to find my feet back into some single life which I'm not really good at. I'm not really good at doing that. I'm not very good at being single. Um, I think, partly because I've in the past have used relationships to sort of mask a lot of my own issues, insecurities and sort of.

If I can sort of focus my area into fixing someone else, it means I don't have to fix myself, and when you're on your own and you're in your own head a bit more, it allows, it sort of forces you to do that a bit like in that way. So I think from this time around I've sort of vowed to sort of really work on the things I know I need to work on personally and really sort of grow and build myself up a bit more before jumping into anything else. Um, not that I did that prior to this, but I feel like I just need to really work on myself a bit more. It sounds really cliche, but I really sort of I'm honing in on my own personal development and growth, um, because I know, I knew, I know I needed to do that before and this, this allows me to do that. So, um, that's my personal thing. What about yourself?

yeah, we just had our celebrating yeah we just had our three-year anniversary. Meg and I um, which is amazing. As Joe knows, joe and I have spoke about this loads of cameras. I'm not very good in relationships with my ADHD. Also, just me as a person, what I never thought I was, this one's been incredibly easy. Everything's been pretty much great.

Obviously, everyone has ups and downs in those situations, but it's been quite cool, because I do struggle to stick to things a lot of the time, not just relationships, but everything in general. That's just sort of my personality. But, um, it's been great and I've I hate saying this when you've just gone through like a a breakup situation, but I actually think it's quite, quite nice in a way, that I'm at the three year anniversary and we can both talk on like different size of things at the moment as well, because you've been in relationships for three years before as well.

yeah, and it's just, uh, it's a pretty cool feeling. It's, um, it was nice to like sit back on and like look at photos of where we were like on day one and stuff and how we changed and progressed, of like people and helped each other, and I think I think all a guy really wants, in my opinion, in a relationship is just someone to back them and someone to believe in them and sort of hear them. And Meg does that and I'm very grateful for that. That's awesome, without sounding too cringe.

No, mate, that's awesome. She's listening to this, being like, yeah, that's also championing, that's really good. I think you touched on it a bit earlier on. You said about how you're not easy sometimes to be around as someone with ADHD as a guy or a girl conversely watching or listening to this if they have a male partner either the one listening to this or the ladies listening to this, young ladies listening to this and their male partner's got ADHD. How does that manifest in you in terms of how challenging it can be to be with someone like that?

It's tough, especially I don't know if it's just ADHD as a whole. It's just like, um, I know I'm not easy to be around, so I think it's just like if I could see it from meg's point of view. She's just very understanding and lets me be myself and it might not always be the best thing to let me be myself, but like I'm not with someone who judges me, and I think that's probably the biggest thing is like I can a lot of the time, I massively get in my own head about relationship and situations like have I upset her? Have I done this? And she's just always very open with communication and always just has me be myself, and I think they're probably like two massive things in.

Well, it's not necessarily a massive long-term relationship, but in three years where I've been like it's been super obvious for me how easy it's been on. That standpoint is just openness of chat. If I'm doing something, that's annoying being like, listen, you're being really frustrating right now, letting me know it, but also not being like, oh, he's being a dick and going talking behind my back, because that's the stuff that really gets me it's just like open conversation, one-on-one.

Sorry, I've stopped doing that I thought those things are integral to any relationship, whether it be friendship yeah, romantic relationship between partners, or business relationships I feel like if you have an open communication and you I thought those things are integral to any relationship, whether it be friendship, romantic relationship between partners or business relationships. I feel like if you have an open communication and you allow someone to be themselves, I feel like we get that feedback from our guests. A lot is giving them an open platform to be themselves and be comfortable in An environment that really isn't very comfortable, like like some relationships are, for yourself. I think that's integral to any any working relationship.

For it to be some last a test of time, I feel like as long as you communicate and you're sort of open and transparent with them, a lot can go wrong still, but I thought you set the foundations for a really working, fruitful, long-lasting relationship when you have that, which is quite nice. That Meg's allowed you that space to be able to be a weird and wonderful self, which I think many, many people can relate to as well, like me included. I feel like if you're not able to be yourself, it's sort of doomed from the get-go. Yeah, I think communication is probably the biggest one of?

yeah, I reckon that probably is number one just communication as a whole, because if you stopped speaking throughout the relationship, these little things add up and they just become a massive problem. That's what I found in past relationships and also just in terms of friendships, as well, as if you do have a problem with someone or something, please just like nip it in the bud. That would be my best piece of advice, especially if you're with someone who is neurodivergent like myself, who can massively overthink things and and become very stressed over the most minor situation a lot of the time although I think I'm getting a bit better with that and what I'm hoping with maturity is um, open communication is is massive, and I feel like every situation I've been in where that hasn't been the cases, it's probably been one of the biggest. I agree why something is failed, totally agree. And also what I want to know, your view, because, talking about open communication, I had a stat here before and it was 45% of men feel like they can't discuss emotions without being judged. So basically, one and two.

I'd say it's more. Yeah, I mean, obviously the stats don't lie. But I'm surprised it's not more.

I'm talking about open communication, but a lot of the time in my head I'm like I can't speak to her about this because I feel like she's just going to be like and judge me.

And that's also in a three-year relationship as well, by the way.

You still get that thing, or yeah, it's I think it was ingrained in in most men anyway. So I feel like, why do you think that is? I feel like it's fear of judgment and also the, the gender role thing. I feel like, whilst it's very confused nowadays, the, the traditional gender role thing is to be very stiff upper lip and very sort of keep your own being a provider, so ism all that kind of stuff is. That is, if you start to complain or you be too open and vulnerable, you're opening yourself up to sort of harm, as it were, and I think women I mean I'm talking again the gender role thing is very confused, but it's it's.

I think it's that fear of being judged and fear of of not being seen as a man, and I think that's where the vulnerability side of things come into. Um, and you said it there, like you're in a three-year relationship and you're so, you're going strong, and yet you have those elements of doubt where you're like should I, should I tell them? Yeah, do I? Don't? I like, am I comfortable enough?

yeah, I wonder if that ever goes I think that a lot you don't want to burden someone, no although if she tells me anything, I'm like you're, like you're not.

It's not a burden, and I'm sure she feels the same. But sometimes you, like you, overthink things. You struggle more in your head than you do in reality a lot of the time, all the time, and it's just with a relationship, it's you think you're going to burden them, you think you're going to stress them out by sharing this. You know you might not want to have an argument or whatever it is that has been an argument, but a heated conversation, and it's just you get in this endless row, row in your head where you're like I can't share it in the end, and then it almost becomes too late to share. And then I think that's the backbone of a lot of relationship problems is you'll snap at them one day, or they'll snap at you one day and they'll be like why have you snapped? And it's because there's six or seven things that have been going on behind the scenes which you haven't shared. And it always comes back to that communication point.

That's my, that's my, I think that that's common in all relationships, um, but I feel like it's just more common if you are sort of you have neurodiversity of adhd and that's across the board, by the way, everyone has that and that's across the board. I think that's just highlighted the fact that you have so much going on in your head at any given time. If you offloaded every short that go into your head you'll be talking to every second of the day. You'll be constantly talking to it it.

It's that, isn't it? There's a constant merry-go-round of information that's going around your head all the time. That's quite hard to offload to someone who's got their own stuff going on as well. I mean, meg works really hard, she works long hours, she's stressed, she's got her own stuff going on to deal with as well, so it's quite hard to have thatloading stuff in your relationship is really key.

It's important to sort of be okay in your own skin and be okay on your own, which a lot of people aren't very good at doing or being um, and I feel like it's just a balance and I feel like if you're with meg, in 20, 30 years time you'd probably struck an even better balance than you do now after three years. So I feel like it's just a learning process, isn't it? And also maturing, because what you're 21 years of age like that's just. That's like a without condescending it's you're so still so young compared to all the years you have left of that maturity. So if you are with meg when you're 30 hopefully you are uh, it will be uh, very different to how it looks now, for sure I agree.

Yeah, what if you flip that on its head? For guys who don't like to share it and actually probably deal better not sharing things, what would you say there from that point?

it's really tricky.

I know a lot of my friends like they just deal with things internally. They, if they share, it actually makes it worse yeah and I get like that in certain situations and I think some things are better to just internalize, but in my opinion it's picking the right one.

I just wanted to see what you're you took the words out of my mouth. I think it's like any like like not just romantic relationships, but also friendships as well. I think it's so important that you choose one, the right moment to, when it's okay for you to do so, but also who you say it to and who you do it with. So I think it's if you have that same safe space like a. You just have to be one of your best friends. It could be a teacher at school, it could be someone that you have a close bond with, you know and trust. I feel like trust is a huge thing if you trust that person. Having that open forum to be able to have those open, honest communications and being raw and vulnerable. It's actually a really amazing thing.

But asking a 16 17 year old boy in particular to do that is so difficult because they just don't want to. They're like they don't even know how to think of these things themselves. I, at 30 years old, can look back and think why didn't I do those things? Where, if someone told me to do it at 16 17, I said I don't even know what I'm thinking in my own head, let alone being able to translate it onto paper or to.

So I feel like the advice I would give is to try and find a safe space, whether it be writing stuff down or practice them. Try them in a safe space, either on your own or with a loved one, whether it be your mom, your dad, your brother, cousin or a friend, or your girlfriend or boyfriend. I feel like it's it's a really important thing to try and practice and if those people ever judge you for those experiences you're going through, they're not worth telling them again. Whilst that vulnerability can be a scary place and it can leave you sort of feeling really hurt, you'll learn a lot from that process. So if that boyfriend or girlfriend or cousin judges you for that, then you'll know not to do it again in the future and you'll you'll grow a thicker skin, as all of that in my experience.

Completely agree, yeah, also, if you want to know more on the relationship side of things, or you want to hear us talk about certain topics in particular, or you have bits you want to show yourself, please do drop them in the comments below. We love to hear from you guys. You're not hassling guys. We always get messages being like we hope we don't hassle you and I'm like please, please, please do hassle us, um send whatever. Send your points of view on the relationship side as well. I hope we've given our information on that point of it and, to conclude, that we're gonna spin the wheel on the next one.