#25 | The NO.1 Traditional Relationship Coach In The UK (Stay Slick With Kit )

Joe is not here today and we've joined with Lauren as a co-host, which we're very, very excited for, and our lovely guest as well, kit. Kit, thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me man Excited to be here. Could you start off by telling the listeners a bit about you and a bit about your story?

:: 00:28

Yeah, of course. So my name is Kit. I'm born and bred in London. I'm an actor and dating coach more so, a dating coach now as well. And you know I've been doing that for the past four years. I've been acting for the past 10, 11 years and, yeah, I have a. You know I primarily coach women. I coach guys as well, but all my dating advice is tailored about how to attract the kind of person you want for a relationship.

What got you into that? What got you started? Yeah, so I've always had male and female friends come to me for dating advice and they always felt that my advice really helped them. And then I just started you, you know, putting it out for fun. You know I'm a creative person, so just kind of putting out on YouTube for fun, um, and then I started to gain a lot of traction and then people started messaging me being like oh, like, I really love your content, it's really helped me, can you help me through this situation? I was like, yeah, sure, and then that's kind of just how I started coaching people. Um, and fast forward three years later, here we are how's it been being an actor as well?

:: 01:23

we've, we've had, um, we would get. Well, we were gonna have an actor on he's. There's gonna be one coming on soon, so I won't say the name. Yeah, okay, but we've got an act coming on and I wanted to hear sort of their story a bit about it. Um, someone I went to school with very cool guy and he was in this one. I'm trying to remember before he was just in the um, the thing on Netflix with oh, about that young girl with oh you know what, anyway, and he was basically saying how tough it is.

No, I'll remember it after when you're talking like halfway through, I'll be like that was it.

:: 01:57

It was always the case.

:: 01:59

And he was basically talking about how hard it is to break through the scene, break through the acting scene. How did you find it coming up?

:: 02:05

up, yeah, so I think I was quite fortunate because I booked a really big job straight from drama school. I trained in musical theater, so half my jobs have been like musicals and half has been like tv and film as well. So I booked a job before graduating and then that job transferred into the west end and anyone who knows theatre kind of once you have a West End credit on your CV, a lot of doors open for you. So I've done multiple West End shows, tours, then at the Opera House, so yeah, and then I won best actor for my films last year. And then there are two films I star and come out next year, which I'm not allowed to say yet. So we'll see how well those do.

So, yeah, the past few years I've been a bit of a transition because I've done a lot of theater and I've ticked a lot of the boxes that I wanted to do. Um, you know I've been very fortunate to work with like big directors like Phyllida Lloyd, who's like BAFTA award-winning, rupert Gould again BAFTA, you know, with Oprah Winfrey, whoopi Goldberg, tina. So you know, I mean I've been transitioning over the past few years. So, yeah, I've started to delve more into the screen and TV. I've been doing a lot of voiceover work as well, been stepping to the games, doing voiceover games, which is so much fun because I'm a bit of a nerd, I love video games, so that's kind of a fun little thing for me.

So, yeah, so juggling that, and then the coaching and then the content creating and stuff like that. I have periods in acting when I'm super busy and I'm, and then juggling with this, I'm just working around the clock and then when I have like more quieter moments, then my coaching kind of takes up the majority of my day. What do you prefer at the acting or the coaching? Yeah, oh, that is hard, that's like. What do you prefer? Breakfast or dinner?

:: 03:39

depends on the mood, doesn't it? Yeah?

:: 03:42

um, I mean, acting is always. Acting has always been play for me. Yeah, so, you know, I've never I've been fortunate in my journey, but I've never I've been fortunate enough, I've never had to say yes to a job for the financial side. So it's always been like play for me, which has been amazing, and some jobs pay amazing well and some jobs don't pay that well at all. The coaching side I love. I love seeing my clients make progress, um, and I love having conversations. I love, you know, hearing different perspectives. So I love content creating. Um, I love I really enjoy coaching for, you know, especially seeing my clients, you know, kind of make those strides and get what they want. Um, if I had to choose one, that is, I don't know if I can answer that on it. I know that's a poor answer, but I one is like real play for me and the other is like really like, oh, this is my part that I'm doing for the world. As cringe as that sounds, does that make sense?

:: 04:37

yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah, I think that's really fair to enjoy both equally, don't?

:: 04:41

need to have a favorite and that's why you do both yeah, yeah, 100?

:: 04:44

what are some of the most common problems you find in relationships today, in a world that I think is getting progressively harder? To date it 100.

:: 04:53

So the problem, the main problem for men and the main problem for women is different. The main problem for most guys is getting the opportunity with the kind of girl that they want. Can they even get on a date with a girl which most guys don? Getting the opportunity with the kind of girl that they want? Can they even get on a date with a girl which most guys don't? They struggle. You know, we know this from a study two years ago 30% of guys between ages of 18 and 30 haven't had sex or are still virgins.

Do you know what I mean or?

:: 05:20

haven't had sex in the past year.

:: 05:21

Between what age? Sorry, 18 and 30. Really Okay, yeah, so I think this was a study from 2023 or 2022 or 2023. You know, 30 of men hadn't had sex in the past year or were virgins. So it's a lot harder for guys. And a big reason why it's a lot harder for guys is because, as technology has evolved and we have more access to people, the truth is, um, you know, women have a lot more access to guys that 50, 60 years ago they wouldn't have access to right. So we don't live in a localized dating place now, because before you'd just be choosing from the people in your class or your village.

Now, like, if you're, you know, an average guy from Norfolk, you're competing with the hotshot lawyer from London, the producer from LA, the basketball player from France. So for a lot of guys, the most difficult part is can I actually, how do I get on a date with the actual kind of girl that I want? For women, getting dates tends to be quite easy. It's getting the commitment, getting the serious investment. You know it's like, oh, I'm going on dates with loads of these people, but you know he's either not showing up the way he's saying that he's going to, or he says he wants something serious and then he just ghosts me or like I just start to feel him pull back from me. So yeah. So for women it's generally getting a serious commitment and for guys it's can I even get a date?

:: 06:32

really, yeah yeah, anyone that's only listening. We're seeing her nodding yeah, couldn't agree more.

:: 06:37

Yeah, that tends to be it in terms of dating apps.

:: 06:43

yes, this is something that, to be fair, I've seen quite a few things where it's come out successfully, but do you think that's damaging relationships today or do you think it's making them better?

:: 06:53

Dating apps is like anything, it's a tool. It's really dependent on how the individual uses it. I think it's kind of like asking the question okay, is alcohol damaging us or is it kind of good for us, well used? It's kind of like asking the question okay is, is alcohol damaging us, or is it kind of good for us, well, use nice and correctly. It's actually an amazing thing to for people to have fun, be part of the festives, etc. But you abuse it and that's when it becomes toxic.

So dating apps is because the first, you know, previous five, six, seven, eight years, we've never had to take responsibility to how to use this kind of technology and how do we use it in a way that serves us, like, in a way, because there are things where, ok, we know we want to do this, but this is actually what's best for us, right? So I know you and I were talking before. You're a PT. You know, I know that I can easily devour a whole pack of Oreos, but if I have a fitness goal, I know I can't be doing that, so I'm not going to put it in the house. Does that make sense?

So, when it comes to dating apps, um, it is how you use it, I think it makes it harder. It makes it harder for guys because they're competing with everyone, right, um? And it's more accessible for women, which is great, but then, a lot of time, the guys that they're dealing with, because only a very small percentage of men actually get the majority of the matches. So like, have you heard of the uh parito principle?

no so it's basically it's the 80 20 rule, essentially. So um 80 of the galaxy's mass is held in 20 of the stars in our galaxy right. 20 of cities in the world hold 80 of the galaxy's mass of right. 20% of cities in the world hold 80% of the galaxy's mass of the population. Rather, 20% of cities in the world hold 80% of the population. 20% of authors are responsible for 80% of books sold right.

If you own a company or a business and you're in sales, you know it's 20% of your high performers. They're earning 80% of the revenue. So when you have a free market, there seems to be like a natural law that just tends to happen and fall into place. And dating has become a globalized free market. So what you're now getting is you're getting 20% of the men getting 80% of the opportunity with the women. So you have these women wanting these top 20% guys and it's very difficult to lock that kind of guy down because he has an abundance of options. So unless he's ready to settle down, it's like what's the incentive? And you get the 80% of men who don't even get a look in with the majority of women because they can exercise these kind of higher quality guys, does that make sense? That makes complete sense.

:: 09:17

It's funny when someone explains it like you just explained it. It's very obvious, but the people listening?

:: 09:27

who might be in 80 of men, yes, at the moment. What advice would you give to them? I would say? I would say build your value as a man, and I'd focus on these four areas to begin with. Definitely focus on your fitness, because that's going to improve your mindset as well. Um, definitely focus on your finances, right, that's not saying you have to become rich, but put yourself in a position where you can look after yourself financially. Right, because just stability, that's going to be attractive to women anyway. You don't have to be Jeff Bezos, but can you look after yourself? Do you know what I mean? Confidence? That comes to mindset as well. Do you know what I mean? Work on your confidence?

The thing is about the pro to being. There's pros and cons to everything. The con with being a guy is that there's a lot of work you have to do upfront before you even get the opportunity with the girl. Right, because and a lot of guys don't realize this but girls decide whether they'd go on a date with you or not before you even maybe know they exist, because they're already looking at you and observing you and there's this kind of man that I would choose. So, yeah, I would say fitness, finances, confidence.

And the last thing I would say is I would say learn how to flirt with the world. And that doesn't mean like you're flirting with every single person, but like, let's say, you're just getting a coffee and you like the guy's hairstyle, just like, hey, man, I really dig your hairstyle. Man, that's really cool. Just being open to engaging, because that kind of energy, not only is it infectious, but it lifts your energy and your vibration as well. And even if there's a woman in the room who maybe she might be taken, she, a woman in the room who maybe she might be taken, she's been like oh, he's an interesting person. Yeah, do you see what I'm saying? Yeah, I get you what's your.

:: 11:06

What's your view? You talked about that before.

:: 11:08

Yeah, no, I'd agree with everything you said, but I'd also say, like, one thing I've experienced is like you want to be more interesting, right, so go out and do experiences, experience things so you have more to talk about, because I feel like there's a lot of people that are just just work, just gym and and go home yes, which?

is great, like if you love all of that, that's amazing, and if someone matches with that, then even better but, I have found that if you can go out and say you know, I've done this, that the other, and just talk about what you've done in your life, like, however big or small, if you're passionate about it, like that's really attractive rather than just working and just gyming and just going home yeah, it's like there's so much more to life.

:: 11:46

Yeah, and you're, and you're already open to experiencing it and personally, I think that's really attractive there's one thing I would add this might be controversial um work on your masculinity. I know we live in a day and age of equality. Women are strong and independent. Women are actually out earning their male counterparts now, at the age of 30. And especially from a lot of women I've talked to, whether they're doing well in their career or not, most of them always express that they prefer to be a masculine man who has certain leadership qualities, regardless of whether they can or not. Because, especially if you're the kind of woman who you want to have a family and settle down, which most do you need to be able to choose a man that you can trust, who you can rely on, who can be a foundation for you, who can provide the frame for you right. Especially if you're as a woman, you bear children. So there's a level of vulnerability that comes with that, no matter how successful, independent or strong you are.

And especially our generation as guys, we've been taught that being masculine is wrong and toxic. Now there are definitely some masculinity is kind of like. It's kind of like a sword it can be used for good or can be used for evil. So masculinity itself isn't toxic, but it's how you use that, and part of doing that is becoming a capable man who takes responsibility, because that's what a man used to do, right. He would take responsibility for himself, for his family, for his children, right. And there's pros and cons that come with that. You know a lot of time the pro with that, at least historically, would be okay. Well, when the final call needs to be made, you know, can you make the final call, can people trust you to do that? And if stuff goes wrong, everyone's looking at you. But the pro to that is that if you become that kind of man who can look after your family properly, the people around you be a man that you can, people can rely on.

:: 13:36

Um, then that's one of the most fulfilling experiences as a man to take responsibility for others completely agree with all of that, with joe, and I talk about that a lot, about that masculinity side of things. Can I talk about what we spoke about downstairs as well, when you said about masculinity and having kids and remind me.

Yes, please so, lauren, and I were talking downstairs about like past relationships and like having kids, right, yeah, not laura, I've got a girlfriend anyway. We were talking about kids and you were like I would never really wanted kids. But the only person I've thought I've wanted to have kids with was your ex. Yeah, and that's because he was more masculine and there's a few other reasons and that was sorry I'm interrupting.

:: 14:19

So I've had a couple of relationships in the past and I think so I've had three. I had my first two boyfriends. They were, they were great, um, obviously didn't work out. And then I had my third boyfriend and he was the first guy that I ever felt that I would want to go into having a family with now, albeit that was all early 20s.

So it's still very early days to be thinking about it. However, when I was with him, he did carry that masculine energy that the ex-boyfriends didn't where. There was like a security and a future that could have been seen from that. So it kind of changed my perception on it wasn't that I didn't want kids, it was probably that I wasn't in the right situation and actually going forward. That's the kind of energy I'd want. Yes, if that makes Can.

:: 15:02

I ask you a question, Mm-hmm. Were there certain things you look? Did you look up to him in certain ways?

:: 15:09

Look up to him. I really respected him Like he worked really hard. Yeah, which I love because, equally, I've always worked really hard, so I think that's something that really attracted me to him in the first place. So because he and equally equally so was I, we'd always just come, come together in our spare time and I just think, am I going on a? Tangent. I feel like I've lost no go for it. But yeah, basically he um, but yeah, um.

:: 15:34

I've kind of forgotten the question, sorry no, yeah, I think it's um, and correct me if I'm wrong. I think I've met a few women who've had that experience where they're like oh, I'm not sure if I want a family. They meet that one guy and they're like I definitely want one, just with the right person, the right kind of guy, and I think when you can be that man who can provide a level of security and safety which is a deep desire that many women want, even if they can provide it for themselves, they deeply desire the ability a man can do. I think that can often bring out that Sorry yeah, I've remembered now as well.

:: 16:11

Yeah, go for it, I'm back, I'm back.

:: 16:12

Go for it, she's back.

:: 16:13

I'm back, I'm like it's come, but yeah, no, so because he worked so hard, et cetera. He had that, but he had the ability to provide. You know, he had a home, he had a well-paid job and I think with that it was like sort of a sense of relief that if I had to take my foot off the pedal. I could rely on him.

:: 16:30

Yes.

:: 16:30

Does that make sense? I?

:: 16:31

feel like that's pretty much what you've just said, and that's exactly what I think.

:: 16:35

I went into the situation and was like it'll be okay.

:: 16:37

And.

:: 16:38

I think that's nice to have. Is it imperative? I it imperative I don't know, maybe not for everyone, but I do think that you know it's going to be a teamwork, so if one person's going to have to step back, the other person needs to step up, and yeah, that's something I definitely, definitely look for moving forward and yeah, until then we're just cruising she's cruising.

:: 16:57

What are some traits which you know we'll talk about from a lady's point of view. If you're a guy, what are like three key traits that you would say? You talked about masculinity before. It was about a few different things. They're hard-working, that's, that's one for me. That what if I'm with a girl who's hard-working? I see her and myself. That's a big turn on for me. I know something that I'm instantly attracted to more. Yes, would you see, there's like three key areas, or like three key sort of traits, or does it kind of differ per person on what?

:: 17:26

that what men stand out. Yeah, I would say from the guys that I've talked to and I say a lot of you know guys or circles that I've been in a kind of they're the kind of guys that a lot of women would be like. This kind of guy I would want to choose, um, femininity is very important to them. Um, in that sense, um, someone who respects him. Respect is love to men, men and this is one of the first things I teach women like, respect is love to to a man you know. Like if, if you as a woman, if you are, if you have a full-blown argument with your man in front of company, you're basically saying I don't respect you, which he hears is I don't love you, I don't respect you as the man in this relationship. Obviously, respect goes both ways, but respect for men is very important, um, and I would say a place of peace for him is really important for men because, as a man, you, if you're going to be taking on that responsibility of the relationship, to provide the frame, provide the safety, make her feel safe and secure, right, and not just physically maybe, not even just financially, but also emotionally all the time, you take on a lot of responsibility as a man and then you have to go out and then earn certain money and it's, you know, cost of living nowadays. Like if you're with the kind of guy where you don't have to work, that's a luxury, ladies, that is a luxury. Most households need two incomes. So if he's doing that, the question you want to ask yourself is how can I make his life easier? Like the last thing he wants is someone who brings stress and drama to his life.

Now, if there's something that's serious, of course talk to him. You course talk to him. You have to communicate that. You don't want to hold that in. But you know something my grandma said to me with her 65 year old year marriage you know how to choose your battles. You know, like maybe you ask him to do the dishes one night and he didn't do it, and you wake up in the morning it's not been done and that's really frustrating. Completely understand that. But then if this guy provides for you, if he takes care of you, if he's honest with you, he makes sure you're OK, he considers you, you feel seen and heard Right, and he doesn't do this thing, let it go.

:: 19:41

So essentially a place for him to be vulnerable and I think, well, I think that's really important for both ways in a relationship. But, yeah, create a safe space for him to come home, because if he has to go to work and have this fun, etc, and you know, friends work. All of the rest of it like. The person you should be able to come home to is that partner yeah, he's going to create that space for you to relax, be calm 100%.

:: 20:06

Do girls want a guy to be vulnerable in front of them though?

:: 20:10

yes, do they yes, yeah, I think sharing emotions is really important, like genuinely. I've always much preferred it when I'm in a situation where both of you are able to vocalize how you're feeling, because I think realistically, if he's not saying how he feels, it's a guessing game, right? Or and you. You know, okay, he looks a bit mad. Maybe I've done something wrong, when actually perhaps you should just say it so I think there's a caveat to that I agree with you I think men have to earn that with her, okay.

:: 20:38

So I think there's such a thing as him being too vulnerable too soon because that if she doesn't, if she's not as emotionally invested enough where she is choosing him for who he is as opposed to what he is, right, then that could come across that he is not. He is not a stable foundation that he can be for her. So I think it's not that men shouldn't be vulnerable they should. But there is such thing as being vulnerable too soon, and I'd say the equivalent is like a woman sleeping with a guy too soon, right, a lot of the time, if he's not emotionally invested and you're kind of giving everything straight away, then he's less likely to see it as an investment. He just sees it as oh, this is someone who can be a casual option for me because he's not emotionally invested. So, yes, guys should be vulnerable.

It takes a lot for a guy to be vulnerable. A lot of trust has to be built, same with when you share your body with a man. You know not sound crude, but he is entering into you, right, it's a very vulnerable thing and nine times out of ten, most most of the time, the guy he might be bigger or stronger than you, right? So that's a very vulnerable position for a woman to be in. So even if woman sees a guy and he's like, oh, I would just he's hot enough, I'd hook up with him, you still want to talk to him to make sure he's not a psychopath.

Do you know I see I'm saying so I would say with guys, when it comes to being vulnerable, if you're in a relationship, you've already said I trust this woman, so 100 be vulnerable. Um, I think that you may disagree. I don't think he should go to her with all his problems, though I think that's something he should reserve for, either like a mentor of his or even his guy friends, not because that's the burden we take, yeah, but so right, your one person shouldn't be your everything right.

That's why you have communities and groups of friends and whatnot, because you can go to them with individual yes, but I would say that I think a woman going to a man with all her problems, I would say fine, I don't think I might. Should do it the other way around.

:: 22:40

No, see what I find hard is. I try and keep work makes probably listening to us being like shut up. I try and keep work separate to our relationship yes but a lot of my stress comes from work yes clients dealing with the financial side of things.

Yes, bring your money in, money out paying people. It's stressful, stressful running a business. It's stressful trying to find your feet and once it is going, you know things go wrong. Things go wrong every day. A lot of my stress comes from that and when I go back to relationship, I'm stressed from that and she's like what's wrong? Like I, can you open up about it?

like we'll talk about it, but then I don't want to unload everything onto her yes, and then the bits we do talk about, because we have a very like open communication. That's one of the best things about the relationship. I think that's why it's it's been three and a half years now. It feels it's great. So far, we maybe had one argument or whatever in three and a half years, which is awesome because we're so open.

If there's a trouble, if she's stressed, she's like Tom, I'm stressed, I just need a bit of space and that's perfect. But I don't want to bring that work side in. She doesn't know anything that's going on on that front. She's like what are you actually doing work, work-wise at the moment? But I try and keep that separate. Yeah, do you reckon I should bring that in a bit more? This is just from my point of view bring that in a bit more, or and be completely open about it, or should I try and keep them a bit more separate still? But that's the one thing I think I need to work on we've talked about recently yeah, I hear that I think there's nothing wrong with her.

:: 24:07

You know she's asking her, like what's going on? You're like, oh, you know, I'm sorting this out with this client or you know, and they didn't follow through with this, etc. There's definitely nothing wrong with you openly sharing what's going on. I guess, when I was referring to the problems as in, like every time you're stressed or every time something's gone wrong and you are feeling that a lot is happening, that you do just go and download onto her. And it's not that you shouldn't share, but the reason I say it's about being conscious of that is especially a lot of men and women that I've spoken to. It's more about you know what I said like almost like sometimes guys have to earn that if she's coming to you she's like, oh, I want to know.

Then I think absolutely share. But I think if your energy that you're bringing to the relationship is just stress complaint etc.

:: 24:55

You just come at the house and straight away you're like this happened, or this happened when she hasn't, do you see?

:: 25:00

what I'm saying. I mean like I mean we must have all had that person where it's like all they do is complain half the time. So how draining is that? So draining. But then completely, I agree, man, like I run a business, I get it. You know, when you're stressed as well, like your relationship is separate, so you want to try and inject loving energy into that when you can. Now you're not gonna be 100% all the time, that's normal. We're all human, right? Um, so I would say it's not that you shouldn't share what's going on. I just think be more cautious of just downloading all the emotional baggage onto her from your work, because there's nothing she can really do about that. You know, then it's like it's good to have someone to listen to when it's a bit much. And you know, like I had a girlfriend where she was there for my my dad passed, you know I mean so she understood you know, what I'm saying, um, but it's yeah, just don't.

I don't think it should be like. That's always the emotional bag you unload everything onto.

:: 25:52

I have a question on the vulnerability yes so you said, don't be too vulnerable too soon yes what's too soon like? Why would it be too soon? Because if it was the right person who was willing to accept you and want to learn more about you, like, how can you define being vulnerable too soon?

:: 26:10

sure. So I think one thing this is a nice reality to admit, but when we start getting to know someone, we're choosing them because of what they are, not who they are, because we don't know who they are right. So if I you know, if we go on a date with someone, it's because you know and we may get to have known them before, and I guess that's different because you might be like dating out versus meeting them through friends, or exactly yeah so I would say too soon, is where it's hard to tell as a guy.

But there becomes a point when you're, when you're dating a girl, where she starts to really choose you for who you are, as opposed to what you are, right.

So for a lot of guys, when they go on a date with girls, because she would have looked at him, she would have said yes, because she would have been like oh, you know he's unattractive, you know he's ambitious, he's, you know he's intelligent, etc. So he's being chosen for what he is. And then getting to know him is when she goes oh, is this the kind of man I want to choose? Because just because you date a guy, that doesn't mean you're going to choose him, right. So it's when, as a I would say as a guy when she starts to choose you for who you are, and that's when she is inquiring like, oh, like, tell me about this, how you feel about this? Or I want to meet your best friends, I want to meet your family, because I'm actually wanting to get to know you, um, just like coco's trying to get to know you for those of you listening, coco the dog is on the sofa with us, if you hear, hear any little piglet noises.

:: 27:34

That's Coco, not me, I promise.

:: 27:36

Yes, exactly Snoring away, I think sorry. One thing I always find with my friends and I feel like this is a thing that comes up a lot is trust in relationships. Once that trust is broken, do you think it's possible to rebuild it in a relationship, or is it kind of gone?

:: 27:59

I'm not going to say it's possible to rebuild it in a relationship or is it kind of gone, it's it's. I'm not going to say it's never possible, but it really depends on what happens and not everybody will choose to rebuild. So there are some people who rebuild from you know, infidelity, from cheating. And there's some people who somebody lied about something that you know. Maybe they just lied about being in a relationship with someone or they just lied about an ex or something. And for some people it's like that's it. They can't reveal because they feel their trust. So it can.

:: 28:26

But you have to choose it. I suppose it's the individual, isn't it? It's how somebody navigates their own emotions and how they can move forward from things, because if they don't feel they can trust and move on, then yeah, yeah I think the second, when trust has been broken majorly.

:: 28:40

I think you both have to understand okay, the relationship you had, that's over, like it's done. Now you're building a new one yeah, so that's fresh you're building, you're building a new one, um, and so yeah, that's what I'd say. It can, but it depends on the individual yeah, trust is a hard one.

:: 28:57

I think I really struggled with trust in all relationships. I don't know, that's just something from growing up, potentially like something that's always been a part of me. But the minute I felt that sort of trust and it had nothing to do with with the guy, it's just it was always there for some reason. I don't know. That could be insecurity or whatever it is. Yes, but now in my current relationship, the minute I felt that trust where I was like I back you, like I trust you. It just it took the relationship to like a whole nother level.

Yes, there'll be guys this and this and and girls this and this as well who will struggle with the trust side of things. Do you have any advice around that? Because this is something I just had to kind of just suck up and like just deal with in a way. But is it, would you give any advice to that trust side of things? Yeah, or the way to kind of like not battle it but sort of like suppress that feeling in your head because it has nothing to do with that person normally, because you've just met them or you've just got to know them. It's sort of underlying from stuff in your past yeah, of course.

:: 29:57

So I would definitely say, I would say don't suppress it, because if that's coming up, that could be to down to a past trauma, right, or past experience, and ask yourself a lot of times about asking yourself the right question. So, okay, what is it I'm feeling here? Okay, I don't like't like that. I don't know, I don't like that. She's going to a hen party. Okay, why don't I like that? Because I think she's going to get involved with another guy, et cetera. Okay, so do I think she's going to leave me? Yes, right, why do you feel this fear of abandonment? Where's that coming from? Oh well, because there was one time when I was 10, my mom left me alone in my test goes for two hours. I didn't know she's gonna come back.

So I would say the first thing is ask yourself those questions, then ask okay, what is the intention of the person? So, even if they're doing something that might be making me feel insecure, is that? And do they have the intention of actually wanting to still be with me? Can they hear me when I say this? And then don't be afraid to say, hey, look, this is just something I need a little bit of reassurance on. And if their intention is in the right place, they should go. Yeah, no problem. Like if the reassurance you need is that I just drop your text every couple of hours, like maybe a little selfie, or let you know what I'm up to, if they care about you that's not a big deal, right communication.

:: 31:11

Yeah, you need to voice your concerns and if you lack trust, then you just need to communicate that yeah because it's that person would need to understand.

:: 31:20

It's not them that you distrust but, it's that person should be able to give you the reassurance yes and yeah, work with you if their intentions are to continue into a healthy relationship on communication are there any sort of like common communication mistakes that you found through working with, with clients or whatever that you've been like? Oh, I, I spot that coming up quite a lot on the communication front. Yes, um.

:: 31:48

So I think sometimes people can say you made me, oh, I did this because you did this, okay. It's like, oh well, I had to. You know, take this action because you took this action, and it's like we're all responsible for our own actions. You can say, okay, you say this is the reason I did this, because I thought this was the best thing to do, but the only person responsible for your actions is you, um, and so part of that is, I think sometimes we have to take more agency, especially when we're like emotionally, I would say, triggered, but kind of in an emotional state a lot of the time, because that's when we can do random things, especially like Coco. Who is she fighting for? She got the TV. You're really serious.

:: 32:36

I was listening to you like this is so good, Everyone's got here, just the doctor's running around I was trying not to laugh.

:: 32:45

I did say she's going to be the main star she is the main star.

:: 32:48

She is the star.

:: 32:52

Coco, come for a cuddle, Come here.

:: 32:54

Coco, she's like I need some reassurance now. You guys are neglecting me. That's why she's looking for attention.

:: 33:11

Coco, we'll carry on anyway. Coco will have the zoomies and run around. There we go. In terms of couples growing apart, this is one that I've seen quite a lot again with my friends is like they get to that point where they feel like they're growing apart. They feel like they're in the relationship but you know, if they broke up tomorrow would it be the end of the world. But they're kind of sticking in it because it's familiar to them. Yeah, what advice would you give on both sides men and women for that?

:: 33:34

Yeah, of course, I think I would say I don't think my advice would be different based on men and women. Ask yourself this question do you see a future with this person? That's the main thing, really.

:: 33:48

I agree.

:: 33:48

And if the answer is no, then you already know what to do. And that doesn't mean they're not a great person, that doesn't mean you've not had an amazing relationship. You're allowed to grow apart. You're allowed to grow apart. People change, people evolve, etc. Now, or rather ask yourself is this person someone I want to work the future with? Right, because it's going to be together forever? That's going to happen, isn't that right okay?

:: 34:12

hate relationship.

:: 34:13

She's single at the single she's like I'm looking for my man. Yeah, so I would. I would say, ask yourself do you see a future with this person? Is this someone you could see yourself working the future with?

:: 34:25

if the answers no, then yeah that's a hard conversation to have, especially if you've been with someone for a while just.

:: 34:32

I think it's a fair conversation.

:: 34:34

Yeah.

:: 34:34

So my second relationship is I just said to him I just see our lives looking very different, like I can see myself going this way and you remaining what you're in and that's fine. It doesn't mean that I don't love you for the person that you are, but I just don't see this like it doesn't have legs. It's not going to continue into the future. That I want, and I have to be selfish and voice that yes, there was no point me staying in a relationship because he was a really nice person like and he's going to make an amazing husband to somebody else you know, hats off to him.

:: 35:05

He's such a great guy, but our futures just didn't align, not for me yeah, even if he sometimes those are harder because it's like there's nothing wrong, wrong. So you're questioning yourself like okay, there's nothing wrong. Why do I feel like this should end? But it's because just because there's nothing wrong doesn't mean it's right.

:: 35:21

Exactly.

:: 35:22

Interesting. That's a good point. Actually, you did a post earlier which I just thought I'd read out for everyone who hasn't seen it. And you said the most attractive woman doesn't get the guy. Women doesn't sorry. The most attractive woman doesn't get the guy, the most valuable woman does. Yes. What do you mean by that? Can you explain that a bit more depth for people listening?

:: 35:40

yeah, of course. So we live in a day and age where attention is currency and kind of the standards for, like, physical appearance and attraction has been so exacerbated for women, for sure, it has been for decades, but even for men now. Um, I think there are a lot of women who think, oh well, as long as I'm attractive enough, as long as I have the right lips, the right bum, the right waist, the right all of this, I'll get the guy that I want. And then sometimes you see these really desirable guys that they want and they're with women who maybe aren't the most attractive, etc. And they're like how did that happen? Like why? And it's because when you get into a relationship with someone, you're, you're both adding value to each other's lives right, like we said earlier, yeah exactly.

It doesn't like.

It doesn't sound nice to say, but the definition of a relationship is an exchange of comparable value.

So if you know how to add value to the other person's life in ways that other people don't, then you're, you're for them, you're like oh, that's the person I want to choose.

Sometimes, and you know, I've coached women who are super attractive, like they're like models. They get flying out and they're more of like, you know, like gucci, or like, you know, zara and all this stuff, and because they've been so used to getting everything they want, because of how beautiful they are, especially growing up, they're dating guys who you know maybe they would want something with, but then it's like it's just not going in the direction that they want and it's like, okay, well, when a guy's looking for something serious, right, if he's looking for something casual, he's going to choose the most attractive girl who's available. But when he's looking for something serious, he's asking himself the question what role is she going to play in my life? Because I'm gonna play a role in hers what value she brings to the relationship that's complementary to what I'm bringing right and that comes out of, you know, coco knows. Okay, that's like no, mommy, please, that's all good like coco knows coco knows like no mommy, please.

That's all good that's okay.

:: 37:37

That's not how you get a man coco, exactly.

:: 37:40

I mean, she's getting my attention right, she's getting our attention actually maybe she's doing something right, she's, she's ahead of the curve.

:: 37:46

She is, she's ahead of the curve she's got your attention because she looks good, but can she hold your attention?

:: 37:51

that's the truth that is the question we'll see what happens when we come out this door. She does it, um. But I think a lot, of, a lot of um. A lot of girls today sometimes think, oh well, as long as I'm spending time with him and we're sleeping together, that's enough for him to commit to me, and that doesn't work because that's what every girl does.

So it's like it's about the value you bring outside of the sexual intimacy and spending time together. So like, for example, it's like okay, do you just get him a new toothbrush, because you see he hasn't changed it for a few months. Do you offer to pick up his dry cleaning when he comes back from the gym, which you know girlfriends of mine would do? If I come back from the gym, protein shake, breakfast ready made. Do you know what I mean and I know this sounds very like oh, traditional, and a woman has to do this. It's not that you have to do that, but, like I said, it's about asking the question, especially if he's the kind of masculine guy who is ambitious on his purpose you can see he's doing bits. It's asking yourself how can I make his life easier? Right, get to know him. What is it that he needs? What is it? Can you help out?

:: 38:49

with. Does that fall into love language? Because if you see he's time poor and you do these kind of gestures, then essentially you're helping him make life easier or better.

:: 39:00

Yeah.

:: 39:01

So I guess it's if it falls into the love language that he might desire.

:: 39:05

Yeah, love language could be a thing for sure. If he appreciates quality time or acts of service, absolutely, that can definitely play a part. But I remember one time like I was doing a show in in in Cardiff and one of the other cast members she was from South Africa and she was only here doing the show for the few months that we were doing it and you know we had a little chemistry and stuff. You know she was very attractive and you know, so we're okay, you know we're here for a few months, so let's just enjoy what's going to be for the few months. So we already knew that there was. You know, there was no real longevity to it.

She lives over there, I live here, but every time I stayed over she would like offer to do my clothes, she would like cook full breakfast for like me and her house, and I was like I was not even considering this, but just from that I was like maybe I should try and make it work with this girl.

You know what I mean, because I think that was the first time I'd ever experienced that and so it's interesting. I remember from that, like you know, girlfriends I've had, they've been very much like that and I think for a guy as well. You know, maybe this is too exposing for guys, but you know, especially when you're younger, you do very much just chase the girl who you feel is the most attractive. And you realize they're human beings too and you know, same as girls, you chase the guy who's maybe the most attractive or the most successful and it's like, well, you know what values this person add into my life. So that's why I would say it's not the most attractive woman who gets the guy it, it's the most valuable one to him for sure.

:: 40:35

Yeah, you're right 100% right you said about she was in South Africa.

:: 40:40

Yeah, long-distance relationships oh yeah, when we put a.

:: 40:44

Few questions out to a little group chat. Long-distance relationships was quite a big one that came on. How do you handle long distance distance relationships? Is there a point of it? Do you break up? Do you stick in it and then come back again, maybe after six, six months to a year? Will that relationship be the same? These are all questions which I hear quite a lot, not just from friends, but also from people listening to the show yeah, what advice would you give that?

:: 41:07

yeah, great question. I know this too well because as a girlfriend of mine who I was with for two years. She lived in australia and it's like you couldn't get further away from me if you try, it's literally the opposite end of the globe.

But I, because one of the films I booked was taking me out there and then I just stayed there. So I ended up living there mainly to make it work with her. And if we could make a life work together, I would say. The thing with long distance, I would say it depends if it's so far that I think, if it's, if it's close enough that you can go for like a long weekend, so like if they live in like france or like the netherlands, you know, like we're in the uk, right. So if they live in europe where like, okay, you can go from like thursday night to maybe monday morning, I think that's fine. So long as you can do that at least once a month. Do you know what I mean?

:: 41:56

but even with distance, I would say that I think it's important, if you're serious about each other, that you have a soon enough goal where you're going to close that distance yeah, I would say I'd agree, because I reckon you could go in a relationship three months without actually physically seeing each other, but if you know that come the end of the three months you're going to be in a much closer proximity again.

:: 42:19

Yeah, there's, there's goals to hit yeah otherwise it's you're just two people online no, I I literally mean like you're gonna be in the same country yeah, at some point, yeah, yeah, yeah.

:: 42:29

So proximity, living together, whatever that might be a hundred percent?

:: 42:33

yeah, because I think what can happen is that one or even both of them if you've been doing long distance for like a year and there's no immediate or there's no plans to be like, okay, now we're going to be in the same place, so we're not doing long distance one or both people can start to resent the distance part of the relationship. So then it seems like they're starting to resent the relationship, but they just resent the distance part, which is now playing into how they feel about the actual relationship well, everyone wants a goal right.

:: 43:01

There's always an end goal and if you're going to be in a relationship with someone, you don't want your entire relationship over however many months, years yes, to be apart, yeah so you need the end goal of knowing where it's going right. It gives you both a certain sense of stability stability, that's the word. I was looking for yeah, like you know what you're working towards whereas if it's just two people dating or in a relationship far away from each other, it's like where, where, what is going on?

yeah, I think you need sort of an end goal if it's gonna work.

:: 43:31

Maybe yeah, I agree. Do you reckon there's um, we hear a lot about boundaries and stuff as well. Do you reckon there's sort of overstepping boundaries in relationships and where it's like things just shouldn't go? You know, this is a relationship, it isn't a friendship type thing, or what's your view there?

:: 43:49

we say relationship or friendship sorry, sorry.

:: 43:51

Like romantic relationship and friendship, like how I'd act around my friends. Is that the same way I'd act around my girlfriend, right? I don't know, probably not. I think there's a split between two and there's overstepping the boundary on either side where that relationship can become more just like you know friends, rather than keeping that romantic relationship.

:: 44:10

Yes yeah, I, yeah, I see. So part of building a relationship with someone is discovering and establishing the boundaries as these situations come up. So, and there's no kind of right or wrong boundary, it's really down to the individual. You know, like, some people have open relationships, so the boundary of, you know, sleeping with someone else, that's the boundary they don't have. Some people are very, maybe traditional, maybe in religious, so it's like, okay, you can't speak to another man without me, or you can't speak to another woman unless I'm in the room, right, I think that's even the mike pence rule from like, from like the trump administration. So, in terms of, in terms of what's right, it's really down to the couple.

And I would say, you know, if a new situation or something comes up that you feel has crossed your boundary, one I would say, you know, don't necessarily assume they know that, because if you haven't, if you've never communicated that, how are they going to know? Um, and two, just say, hey, look, this didn't make me feel comfortable because of x, y and z. Is this a boundary that we can have for each other? You know, like, how do you feel about that? Um, yeah, does that answer?

:: 45:17

yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, no, I think I see where you're going as well, but you hold a certain persona when you're with your friends versus when you're with your girlfriend is that kind of what you were? Saying as well yeah, okay, I know I'd agree because I know that I'd have sort of jokes with my girlfriends that I probably wouldn't you wouldn't have in a romantic relationship with your boyfriend.

:: 45:34

You know, there's jokes that go that way, and then there's, you know, there's like is there a separation or can the two kind of cross over?

:: 45:41

that was kind of I see what you're saying.

:: 45:43

Yeah, because we have different versions of ourselves um, because how I'd act around the boys, yes, is probably not the same type of banter I'd have around You're still yourself, right? Yeah, still yourself, but it's like different environments, if that makes sense.

:: 45:57

Yeah, I think one thing this is how I would approach it how you are with your boys. Does your girlfriend still like you?

:: 46:06

That's a great question.

:: 46:08

That's a great question. If she does do your thing thing, if she's like I just don't like who you are when you're with your boys, yeah, then be mindful of that, because one, you can spend time with your boys without her, which is fine. So on the occasions that she's with you, maybe you can prioritize more the relationship of what makes her feel comfortable and then when you're, when she's not there, you do what you want with your boys, because sometimes and this can happen, right, sometimes it's like, oh, I love this person. We all have different sides to ourselves. You know, you've got, you know, tom, the boyfriend, then the son and then eventually a father. If you want to have kids, likely with you, right.

But sometimes we can go into environments and you're like, wow, I don't like who you are when you're. This, you do you want to mean, um, like sounds great. I remember sometimes if I would um go. You know, my mom used to be a sales director for thompson reuters here in canary wharf and I remember when I was younger and if I would go into work with her because I had a day off school or something, she was like a completely different woman to who I knew mum to be and I was like I don't like this mum.

:: 47:15

I don't like who this mum is yeah, literally I was like I don't like this mum and she's still the same person.

:: 47:21

So, yeah, I think, ask your partner do you like who I am? Or better, do you dislike who I am when I'm with these people? And I think that would help you get the balance.

:: 47:31

I think you know we talked about work earlier and trying to keep work separate.

I think, that's what I am in my head. Work me is not that pleasant. If I'm being completely honest, I'm here for a reason. I'm not here to be friends with everyone. Yes, you know sounds a bit like, oh, mate, shut up, but it's true. Yeah, like I'm here to make money, I'm here to make a career and in my head, I want to go as high as I possibly can. Yes, and that doesn't come by just lounging around and, you know, being like that comes by working hard, having a bit about you and getting shit done yes in my relationship.

I try and keep those two almost like an alter ego. That's what I was saying before about the work thing.

I wanted to keep it and I don't I don't want to bring that in, but sometimes when I speak to her and I'm in that work mode and I'm like I'm doing this, like well, we got to go here, we got to, we got to get this done, she's like whoa, like that's not the tom. I know, like you just said then about you and your mum, yeah, what advice? What advice would you give there? Or, if anything, because that that it can get a bit toxic, trying to join the two together. But sometimes if I'm on a call or you know it's work from home and she's there, that's a hard thing to kind of balance where, like, I need to be in one mode talking with a client at a different mode, five minutes later talking 100 100, um.

:: 48:48

And I've been in the exact situation you know, I have a podcast as well where on a shoot day, I'm shooting with five guests, I'm liaising, you know, my sister's like, have the contracts come in, amazing, with our producer, whatever. And I had it with a girlfriend of mine where the first time she saw me going to work mode she was like, oh my gosh, I'm so used to having your attention and she just started an argument with me out of nowhere because she was leaving.

:: 49:12

It's about me.

:: 49:13

Literally, and you know, she's, you know, and she's amazing. I wish her all the best. She's an amazing person.

But I remember after the fact she was like, yeah, I'll be honest, I just started that with you because I wanted your attention, because I felt your focus was not on yeah interesting so I remember one thing that really helped us in that situation was I said, okay, when I I was in work mode, so I don't care about you when I go into this mode. This is how I can feel supported and you just understand that anything I do is not a rejection of you. Okay, and I think especially, obviously I'm a guy, I'm biased, especially as a man. Speaking to a woman, I think it's really important that we validate how she feels and a lot of the time in my experience, when she's starting an argument, she wants attention. It's because she's feeling rejected from your affection or your attention. So sometimes just saying this is not a rejection of you, but, babe, I'm doing this especially, it's like I'm doing this to give us the life that we want yeah, it's reassurance and communication it always exactly what it is reassurance a lot of the time yeah, I mean it's.

:: 50:17

If you love someone, it's not like you know pandering to them. Sometimes they just need that yeah they just need you to just talk about it.

:: 50:25

And yeah, but I would also say, like in that situation, as the girlfriend, you need to provide him the space to be the man that he's meant to be, because that's why you chose him.

:: 50:35

Yeah, completely agree on that as well, that's what I'm saying I feel like the biggest thing that I I look for, especially when I'm in in work mode, is you know, other guys might think like this, maybe not, it's just knowing that person backs you and it's such a minor thing, but that's that's to me.

If I would say what's the best thing about my relationship, it's even when I'm down and out sometimes, even when I'm burnt out, even when I'm having an awful stretch where things just aren't going my way, she always backs me and she's like go figure out.

You always figure out it was like I'm always here, yes, like go figure it out. And I'm like, okay, yeah, and knowing that person backs you is like lights, a massive switch in me, and there's times where meg's probably listening to this now she's probably been like, okay, I don't back you, but I'm not gonna say this right now 100. But I feel like for guys, a lot of the time, guys just want someone to to back them and someone to really just be like you know what you're going for it. I'm gonna be here every step of the way, no matter what happens, yeah this is.

:: 51:42

This is one of the things I tell I teach women. That is one of the most attractive things for a guy is you being his biggest cheerleader. Yeah, you're his biggest cheerleader. He's like you're not going anywhere because, as men we already know and no one coming to save you, man, it's on you. So, especially when you have someone that you're doing it for as well, who can help inspire you, that's amazing, you know, and that's amazing that you have that.

And one thing I would say you know, for any of the ladies listening if there's a situation where their boyfriend goes into work mode and sometimes it's like this feels so separate from me and I don't like it. So just go to him, just say, how can I support you in this? Because he might just say, hey, you supporting me is just allow me to do what I need to do. Cool, you're part of it. Now you're part of the team. Yeah, because even if that's just you just being there and just being vigilant, you're now part of the team because you're contributing to him getting stuff done. Or maybe he's like, actually, could you do this for me? You're like yeah, babe, sure I also think as well.

:: 52:40

You need to accept that you both live your own lives very true right, yeah and no matter what you're both going to go for on your path. So it's again, yeah, like looking out for the person, in a sense, or it's like you have to respect that it's their life yes and you either support that and get behind them, or you or you don't yeah, is that also vice versa as well?

:: 53:00

about the cheerleader thing, like if I'm her biggest cheerleader, I would love that.

:: 53:04

Yeah, like from a guy, if I had someone behind me going go do it, babe. Like go focus on what you've got to do and I'll be here if, if it all goes wrong, or if you want to chat or you know. It's that reassurance again yes and just like a security blanket for one another, isn't it?

is I think when you go into something that's scary or a new business or whatever, you kind of want to know people have got your back yeah whether it's you know romantic relationships, friendships, family, yeah, whatever it might be, it's you know romantic relationships friendships, family, yeah whatever it might be, it's giving somebody a support blanket yeah, we did a little Q&A.

:: 53:36

Oh, I know this was this. Time is flown by we got three questions okay. I wanted to read out and this is from a female standpoint and the first one is why are men so afraid to commit to relationships?

:: 53:52

so afraid to commit to relationships?

:: 53:53

that was the first question. Oh, that one tickled me that it's a very good question. Ah, there's, there's a few things at play here, okay. Okay, one thing is we have to remember back in the day, way back in the day, a big incentive for men to enter a committed relationship was to have sexual access. Now you can have sex without commitment. So if we and if he's the kind of guy who has options, sexual options where he can indulge in that, unless he's ready to settle down, there's no real incentive for him to commit. Unless you're the kind of woman who's bringing that value, then he goes oh, I don't want to lose you, commit. Unless you're the kind of woman who's bringing that value, then he goes oh, I don't want to lose you. And then you're in the position, as the woman, to say, okay, this is my standard, we're exclusive.

The other thing I would say is that another reason could be maybe he feels he's not the man he wants to be. He hasn't become the man, so he can be who he wants to be in the relationship. Right, because he may feel okay, he knows there's an expectation. We know, as men, like we're in a relationship, there's a level of expectation. So if he feels he's not the man he needs to be where he can be who he wants to be within the relationship and he values who you are as a woman, it's kind of like swinging a bat, you know, at like in baseball, he's like, okay, I don't want to swing and miss, so I'm going to come back when I have a bigger bat. Right, does that make sense? That's a great yeah.

:: 55:15

Yeah.

:: 55:15

The other thing I would say I don't know if you might ladies might not like this. Getting into a relationship for a guy and this is ironic considering what's just happened is kind of like getting a puppy. Is kind of like getting a puppy. You love the puppy. You love the affection it gives you. You love showing your family and friends the puppy. You give it so much love. It gives you so much love.

There's a responsibility that comes with having the puppy. You have to take the puppy out twice a day. You have to water and feed the puppy. Any decision you make in life you have to have that puppy in mind. If the puppy's in a bad state, everyone looks at you. What are you doing, bro? Why is this puppy in a bad state? If the puppy is unhappy, usually everyone goes. Why is the puppy unhappy? Everyone looks at you.

So because a lot of the time you know I said about we talked about earlier taking on the responsibility a lot of guys see getting into a relationship as taking a lot of responsibility and sometimes you may not be in a place in your life where you can do that or where you want to do that.

Because it is taking a lot of responsibility I get. I'm going from and you tell me you're a woman. I get from the female side. It's like, oh, I get this person, I get an emotional support, I get someone to take me out on dates, I get someone who I can look up to, I get someone to provide for me, etc. Then as a guy, it's like, okay, I'm getting someone where I have to emotionally support them, I'm getting someone where I have to provide for them. I'm getting someone that I have to potentially die for them. Like there's a lot of responsibility. I'm not saying that women are taking responsibility for a relationship as well, but from the men man perspective, he feels there's a lot of responsibility that comes with that and so it he really has to either want the puppy or want a puppy in order for him to go. That's why I say to ladies, like timing is important. Yeah, timing is very important, and I don't think it's fear of commitment.

:: 57:04

Either it's no, they have to want to commit yeah they're not scared.

:: 57:08

Yeah, they either want to or they don't. Yeah, and I would also say and this is just the reality of the landscape we live in a day and age, because of you know, sexual liberation, all of this stuff most people are dating more than one person at a time. Now you might have a guy if he's quite desirable, attractive, ambitious, successful, intelligent, confident. He may be dating four women at a time, but only one of them is he taking seriously. The others are just usually either sexual indulgence or play and validation for him, so to three of them, it's like he's emotionally unavailable, but it's like he's just emotionally unavailable to you because his heart is somewhere else. That happens a lot, and women do the same thing. Like if a woman's talked to a few guys. Guys like why is she going on dates with me, or why does she never want to come back to mine?

it's because she already has someone she's doing that with and you're just not him interesting that happens more often than people realize and they're like, oh, she's just using me and she might be. Well, he's just using me. He might be, but it's not because he can't have a relationship, because if he's been in a relationship before, then he knows what it means to show up for a relationship. He just may not be choosing to do that with you interesting.

:: 58:18

That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, the second one was can guys have girlfriends and girls have guy friends?

:: 58:26

this is. This often comes up. I would say okay. Okay, can girls have friends who are guys? 100%, they do it all the time. Can guys have girls who are friends? I think majority no, with the exception of okay. I should say this yes, but there is one criteria that has to be met is that he does not find her attractive yeah, I agree if he finds her attractive, cannot be friends with her.

Because as a guy it's like, okay, well, if I'm attracted to you and we got on really well and we're friends, if we're friends, that means I think you're amazing person. Of course I'm gonna want more, while like, why would I not? That is a natural. It's natural, right, I'm attracted to you and we're really close friends. That's what a relationship is. Why wouldn't I want more?

So I would say now the thing is with guys is the threshold for what they find attractive is learning what women generally find attractive. So most guys find most women attractive and most women find most guys unattractive, right? So as a whole, can men and women be friends under that situation, under that circumstance, yes. Outside of that, I would say no, and I say this with love to any of my female friends watching. I have a few female friends, but I would not be friends with a woman that I'm attracted to. I wouldn't do it, even out of respect for my own, you know, for, like a girlfriend of mine, I wouldn't so controversial opinion, but that's what I believe. I think it's better to. I agree, just keep it safe, I think. What's your view from a girl's standpoint.

:: 00:11

Do I think guys and girls can be friends? Yeah, they can hold friendships, that's for sure. Obviously, it makes it way more straightforward, if you're single, to have male and female relationships that are just friendships, which is great, and then I think it's hard, isn't it really? To go beyond that? Talking from a single point of view, obviously I have male and female friends.

How I might feel about my boyfriend having a female friend. Talking from a single point of view obviously I have male and female friends how I might feel about my boyfriend having a female friend. I suppose you're probably quite right as well. I don't know, it's hard.

:: 00:40

Does that come back to trust, though, that whole trust side of things?

:: 00:44

Shall I tell you what I think it is. One thing I say is that a guy being in the friend zone with a girl is the same as a girl being in the friends with benefits zone with a guy. Being in the friend zone with a girl is the same as a girl being in the friends with benefits zone with a guy. So if you're a guy and you're in the friend zone with a girl, she's getting all the emotional benefits as if you're a boyfriend, without giving any of the physical or sexual intimacy. If you're in a friends with benefits situation with a guy, he's getting all the sexual and physical benefits as if you're a girlfriend, without giving you any of the emotional investment or the emotional security. And so because of that, it's kind of like saying, okay, can guys and girls be just friends of benefits?

Technically, yes, but usually someone not all the time, but more often it's the woman is going to get feelings or is going to want more. It's natural she's being physically intimate with you, spending time with you. Why wouldn't she want more? And it's the same for guys when they're in night. The friends over the girl, I think, is. You can tell me what you think, lauren, there are a lot of. There are a lot of girls who have male friends that the reason they're friends isn't because he wanted to do friendships, because she made it a friendship, because he took interest and she wasn't interested. That's how a lot of male female friendships so sorry your friends, because he your friends owned them.

:: 01:59

Yes um, no, not necessarily. Like. I have a lot of like work friends. I suppose they are work friends and I don't meet up with them outside of work but would actually still. They're not just colleagues, they are friends. Um, like, none of them have ever asked me on a date or sort of expressed interest, but I would put them in the category of a friend because I would talk to them more than just work. You know I get that conversate with them and whatnot yeah, I would.

:: 02:24

So what I would classify? I get with me. They're like work friends. But the fact that you prefix it with work friends, I would say that a friend is someone who you would meet for coffee with you. Can you catch up with him like you actually dedicate time to seeing that person? So, because you have different levels of friendships, do you know what I mean?

:: 02:40

so when we're saying friends, I'm meaning like that yeah, constant communication, I guess like open conversation, that can yeah where, where you intentionally dedicate time to spend time with that person.

:: 02:51

That's what I would say is a is a friendship. That's what I would say talking on coffee.

:: 02:56

That's the last question. Oh yes, the last question of the podcast. Is coffee a bad idea for a first date?

:: 03:02

no, it's not a bad idea. Um, the reason I say that is because one I know dinner day is really popular. Yeah, yeah, one. If you're on a dinner day and in the starter you already know you're not with this person, now you have to sit through the rest of the day, oh, god, that's difficult even I think even for women. That's difficult, more for women.

:: 03:23

That's awful, because if you've met on a dating app you haven't met the person in in person so as soon as you sit down, it's quite quickly like that, like their mannerisms, everything about them you can quite quickly pick up whether you want to spend a 15 minute walk or this is the rest of the dinner I agree and once you're sat at the dinner, I mean you can just make the most out of it, and it could be an interesting person for sure yes, yeah well, there's a lot more commitment into meeting someone from a dating app and sitting at a table and having to see it through.

:: 03:50

I agree, do you want dessert?

:: 03:51

no, thank you exactly, and I've even talked to. Yeah, yeah, yes, please give me that chocolate mousse immediately.

:: 03:59

And I've talked to I've talked to women where they will intentionally, if they're not sure about a guy, they will intentionally want him to take them somewhere really nice so that if she doesn't like the day, at least she gets like a really nice outing right to compensate for not really wanting to spend that time with him. Um, I would also say that going for a coffee date, you're both going to be sober, so you're going to know by the end if you actually like the person or were you just kind of intoxicated? Um, and also because there's no time pressure, you can spend an hour and then be like, oh, I have to go somewhere or I have to do something. You've got to know that person. And then, if it goes well, then like go out on a date, like a proper date, like invest in them, um, but the reason I say there's nothing wrong if you're you know, if you're a girl and you're like, no, I have has to be a dinner date, et cetera.

The one thing I said the risk with that is if you're saying that a guy has to do that, you have the expectations. Just know that, especially if he's going to be paying, he's going to have expectations of you. So if he's like, okay, if I'm taking you out and I'm picking you up, or when you're saying, this is the demand that you have, I you have, I expect something in return for that and that's the expectation, that's the dynamic you're setting. I think you have to be careful with that, because then it can seem quite transactional. Yeah right, but I would say, look, if someone, if you've been talking to someone and they genuinely think you're a great person and you're like, hey, let's just meet for a coffee, just to kind of have the introduction, there should be no problem why they shouldn't meet with you if it goes really well, you can still go for dinner I've done that before.

Like we met for a coffee, it went amazing, and then we that turned into dinner. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, maybe that's what it is.

:: 05:38

Go for coffee allow the space for dinner and, if it goes well, go for dinner and if it doesn't, you can discuss the cuisine you want to eat.

:: 05:46

You know, there's no like you don't have to prepare a full plate, four or five different cuisines. You're like oh yeah, I can tell it indeed. Just cancel the other four and just take it.

:: 05:53

And before you wrap on this, I've just got a question. Yeah, go for it, so we'll have to go both ways. So dating apps like three, like ics for a guy We'll go down the word ics, but three ics, If. If you were on a dating app scrolling through three things you wouldn't want to see on a female's account, or like just straight going left.

:: 06:17

So I would say I wouldn't say they're icks, but I will. Okay, I'll give you three things that give an impression that doesn't help you as the woman. First one I would say is when you put in your bio not looking for hookups, not looking for one night stands, swipe left. That does not serve you. The reason that doesn't serve you is because the guys who are just looking for hookups they've already swiped right on you. They're going oh yeah, she's hot, swipe right. So they've not even read your bio. Second thing is the guys who are actually open to something genuine, who are actually going to read your bio? All you're communicating to him is I have scars and I'm not over it yeah, I was gonna say you're sort of setting a precedent, you're saying like this has happened to me so much that now I have to put it in my bio he's no more do

you know what I mean. So in his head he's thinking so, basically, what you're saying is I'm gonna have to work harder to gain your trust because of a pre what previous guy did. Why would I sign myself up to that, right? So that's not saying you shouldn't set that boundary or standard, but a better way to say it would be looking for a genuine connection I can explore life with ps. Let's grab pizza. I love that, right. So you're still setting the boundary, but you're doing it in a positive way as opposed to way.

Um no, there's nothing wrong with bikini photos, but if it drops, thirst traps no thirst trap photos agreed you can post thirst trap photos and you can get 150 matches, but 149 with them will be only interested in you for one thing yeah, it depends.

:: 07:50

If you're looking for a genuine connection, don't be doing that I would say don't do that for sure yeah, for sure no hookups in the bar no, no, no no thirst, no thirst, for sure.

:: 08:02

Um, and one other thing I would say. This isn't nice, but let's be honest, um, you always have pictures that show your face and your body okay not just your face and not just your body okay, I get it.

:: 08:17

Yeah, you want to know what you're signing up for. Right, and it could go the same way for women I agree a lot of what you've said. I would say goes exactly the same for women 100, I mean when you. There are some gym pictures that you see, it.

:: 08:29

And I think yeah, yeah, no.

:: 08:31

Tensing as hard as you can. Taking a selfie. Just put a t-shirt on and sit next to your nan. That would be much nicer. That would actually draw me in way more.

:: 08:40

Tell me what you think. So I've talked to a few of my friends about this. So, like girls don't mind, like a nice topless photo, but it just can't be the first one. If it's the first one it looks a bit douchebaggy. But if she like discovers it, you know that's fine, is that not just? No, so like a picture of your bikini picture at the bottom of the profile well, guys don't really care. They're like oh, she's hot, great yeah. Do you know what I?

:: 09:02

mean, I still feel like, yeah, I don't know just like that's like if you're going to be sharing yourself with somebody, yeah, like that could be classed as like an intimate image, sure. So like like. I kind of feel like it is attention seeking, isn't it just as a thirst trap? Yeah like, what kind of person are you trying to attract? Okay, so I think it does depend on what you're looking for, but the setting you know.

:: 09:27

Your first picture like t-shirt up, but that's what I mean is this going on instagram as a short? Yeah, don't do that, please yeah, I think that's what I mean. It's like it says. It gives off a certain impression if that's the first photo. Um, but yeah, if you're saying for you, at least you know you're just like yeah, I just would rather not see a topless summer photo at all, then fair enough.

:: 09:46

Yeah, like I appreciate you work hard yeah, yeah, I think more genuine photos of an individual getting up to whatever they're getting up to in life yeah that display all the things that you enjoy and the qualities yeah that you want to. I don't know. It's yeah, down to the person and what they're looking for. Okay, amazing yeah thank you so much for coming on. You happy, yeah, happy, that was great. Thank you for having me absolute pleasure.

:: 10:07

Pleasure to be on Great questions, sweet.

:: 10:09

Amazing. How does it go? Did we go? And I've been Tom and I've been Lauren.

:: 10:13

That was good. I love it. It did. I did look up at one. No, don't be sorry. It was great. Great conversation, great questions.